Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Annual Productivity Dropoff Alert

God, I love March Madness.

It’s no matter that my beloved Terrapins squad will be battling away in the lowly NIT, which they better do well in as a Number One seed, fer Christ’s sake, I’m still going to be closely following the annual tradition of the NCAA Tourney. The stories are just too great not to. Will Morrison and his ‘stache lead the Zags to a National Championship? Will J.J. rain his threes all tourney long for Duke? Who’s going to be the big Cinderella this year? I can’t wait. Can’t wait!

Personally, since the Terps aren’t around this year, I’m pulling for the Zags. They’re a damn good team. I like Morrison and his defiance of conventional facial hair standards by sporting the Porn Stache. And dammit if he didn’t have better stats this year that the hated J.J.!

So bring on the brackets. Mine is adorned on my cubicle wall, waiting for the inevitable barrage of red ink as I mark off my incorrect picks (yeah, I suck at brackets, no denying it). Bring on the tiny internet window in the upper corner of my computer screen scrolling up-to-the-minute scores. Bring on the yelps and grimaces of games won and lost at the last second, upsets avoided, and giants toppled.

Bring. It. On.

Two big-name NFL receivers were handed their walking papers today, Keyshawn Johnson of the Cowboys, and Terrell Owens of the Eagles. I couldn’t be happier that these teams are standing up to overpaid egomaniac superstars. I love that both of these loudmouthed crybabies got shut down for half a season before being given their walking papers. Let’s just hope that this trend continues on, it just might lead to lower payrolls and less attitude around professional sports.

Hell, maybe we’ll get REALLY lucky and the Giants will follow suit with Barry … but I’m not holding my breath on that one.

Did anyone see that ridiculous home run Ortiz hit in the WBC game against Cuba? Not just a home run, not just a monster shot, this ball left the entire STADIUM. Crushed.

Now the debate has sprung up about showboating: Ortiz flipped his bat and jawed at the Cuba catcher before beginning his home run trot, and some say it was unsportsmanlike. I’m sorry, people. If I ever hit a ball out of any stadium, no matter how many homers I have up to that point, I’m showboating. He deserves it. And the fans love it. So deal.

Damon has tendonitis in his shoulder. Let me say that again: Damon has tendonitis in his shoulder. I can barely type that my hands are shaking so much with joy.

Not that I revel in other’s misery, I swear. It just a dream come true! Damon defects to the Yankees for a payday, cuts his trademark mange, and all of a sudden, he comes down with a debilitating shoulder ailment. Sampson Prophecy is coming to pass already, its perfect!

I’m sure it’ll be kind of hard to tell if his shoulder is bothering him in games or not, since he really hasn’t had much of an arm his whole career, but just think: now its WORSE! I give him until the All-Star break before he’s running the ball back to the pitcher like Smalls from The Sandlot. I can hear Torre already, "Yer killin' me, Damon, yer killin' me ..."

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