Dying Happy

As much as I love the game of Baseball, I’ve always been on the fence regarding cheesy promotional gimmicks found at most minor-league ballparks across the US. I sorta understand the need for them since interest in minor-league teams isn’t the best, especially those teams with a professional squad right down the road. It definitely helps draw in greater revenue to keep things running, and dammit, minor league games can be a lot of fun to watch.

But those promotions they have always seem to be geared towards grade school children, hardly ever the adults who actually appreciate the game itself. This usually results in millions of hyperactive screaming brats climbing over seats, kicking the back of my chair, and generally annoying the everloving crap out of me (if my fiancée reads this, I promise I’ll love our kids no matter what, really).

But one minor league team out of Illinois has nailed it. Their promotions include some amazing concession stand offerings, including bacon-covered hot dogs, and cheese-filled brats.

This time, however, they’ve outdone themselves. Hell, they’ve outdone EVERYONE.

I present to you the greatest concession treat in the history of, well, history: a hamburger patty topped with cheddar cheese and two strips of meaty bacon. Doesn’t sound like much, right?

Try sandwiching that concoction between two Krispy Kreme glazed donuts.

Excuse me while I drool.

That’s right, a giant bundle of artery-clogging goodness packed into one hand-held package. Beef, pork, cheese, and Krispy Kreme. I’m not sure how many food groups that is, but it sure covers the tasty ones. This just might be the best combination of salt and sweet since trail mix with M&Ms was invented.

I imagine the team will have to beef up its EMT presence in the stadium to compensate for the increase in heart attacks that sure to happen. I mean, we’re talking the Midwest here. People out there have nothing better to do than wolf down three or four donut burgers over the course of a game, health risks be damned. I just hope we catch the live television coverage of the first fat old man to wake up after being resuscitated and continue to chow down on his prize.

Anyway, I gotta run. I think Southwest is running a special on flights to Illinois, and its almost dinnertime.