Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Barry and his Junk

Um, excuse me, Mr. Bonds? Yeah, your fly is down. Not only that, I think you forgot to wear your skivvies today. Yeah, your junk is flappin’ in the wind, on display for everyone to see.

And it’ll be hard for anyone to ignore it at this point. I mean, there’s going to be an entire book published about your junk. A complete expose’ that cites documents, sources, hell, even interviews with your mistress. Haven’t you learned not to wave your junk around in front of your mistress? Always ends badly.

I think you’re sunk this time, Barry. It’ll take a PR miracle to rebound from the amount of coverage your junk is gonna get over this. Every intimate detail of your business is going to be laid out in nice, neat orderly courtroom quality. And that’s what that book basically is going to be, your courtroom. Judge, jury and executioner, all wrapped up into a 300-page hardbound bestseller.

Sure, it probably isn’t fair, Barry. Having people who you probably never even met before decide your career, your fate, your very legacy. Yeah, that sucks. It’s a crappy way to end up, horde of media attention before being embarrassingly swept under the rug.

You could have avoided it, though. You could have come clean about your use, your problem, your addiction. You could have had the best, sneakiest, most suave PR people in the world spin this in just the right way to make you out to be the victim here, the one who’s suffering through a terrible affliction. Hell, you could have even just straight up apologized, admitted a mistake, and cleaned up. Could have.

But didn’t.

Nope, you took the other option: strict diet of pure denial. Keep on being your surly self, blame the media, deny deny deny. For years that’s been your game. How’s that working out for you these days, Barry?

Now your junk is going to be plastered all over the news. Newspapers, radio, television, internet, its going to be everywhere.

You got greedy, Barry. You already had game. You were already heading for the Hall, even before you got to the Giants. Five tool player, five tools more than most guys have. But you got greedy. Had to measure up to the big guys, and cheated to get there.

Well congrats, Barry. You’re definitely being talked about by everyone now.

Well, at least your junk is.

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